


The Blazing Determination of Kiyotaka Ishimaru

by maki_sensei16



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, General insanity, High Taka, Humor, JoJo References, M/M, Marijuana, McDonald's, Memes, Mondo do a big protecc, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Stoner Yasuhiro, Ultimate Talent Development Plan (Dangan Ronpa), don't do drugs kids, munchies, special brownies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 19:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maki_sensei16/pseuds/maki_sensei16
Summary: With his fortune telling not bringing in the required funds, Yasuhiro decides to sell his special batch of brownies at school. Everything was going as planned until they were confiscated and consumed by Kiyotaka Ishimaru, leading to all hell breaking loose and Mondo having to save the day and look after a high af Ultimate Moral Compass.





	The Blazing Determination of Kiyotaka Ishimaru

**Author's Note:**

> Pure, utter crack. This all started in a random Discord conversation about how Yasuhiro is constantly baked and gets away with it because Taka is too innocent to know what weed is. Hope you get some levels of enjoyment out of this mess lol

The Blazing Determination of Kiyotaka Ishimaru

It was a normal Friday at Hope’s Peak Academy. That was, at least, until the extremely bizarre set of events that followed that lunch break were set into action.

Things hadn’t been going well for Yasuhiro fortune telling wise. Maybe it was his ridiculously high-rates, maybe it was his completely out there predictions, maybe it was the fact that his success rate had plummeted to only 10% as of late, or heck, even a combination of all that. Whatever the reason, the universe was being a real bitch to Hagakure lately. He just knew that he needed someway to make enough cash to avoid selling off his…unique collection of oddities which were all purchased on websites Yasuhiro happened to stumble across while blazed out of his already usually absent mind.

The solution to that, Yasuhiro had decided, was selling his very special batch of brownies on the downlow at school. It was a simple, cost effective business plan that would have made the Togami Conglomerate proud (at least in Yasuhiro’s mind). Heck, he already had tons of the ingredients required lying around at home. Seeing him baking also seemed to make his momma proud, so, Yasuhiro considered it The Ultimate Win-Win Situation.

He had such a damn good plan for pulling it off as well. He’d go around the cafeteria at break offering them to random students go happened to pass him by, discretely whispering the price and adding that they contained ‘potent energies’ with a wink.

That plan would have worked as well, if it wasn’t for The Ultimate Buzzkill Kiyotaka Ishimaru. Normally, the dweeb didn’t take lunch breaks, preferring to eat quietly by himself in the classrooms while going over notes compiled from lessons he’d had earlier in the day. Unfortunately for Yasuhiro, that had changed recently as Taka began to trail around practically glued to the hips of Owada Mondo of all people, who seemed to be on a desperate mission to get the dude to chill for once in his life.

Bruh didn’t even realise the irony of being a member of the morals committee and practically committing constant PDA with Mondo. He swore that Taka was deadass feeding Mondo (with chopsticks, thankfully) an extremely intricate boxed lunch likely hand made by Ishimaru especially for the biker.

Mid-rice ball, those unnaturally red (for someone who likely didn’t even know what weed was) eyes just happened to dart over to Yasuhiro mid-transaction. Taka sprung up from his seat and embarked on an almost robotic like march straight up to Yasuhiro, glaring at the brownies.

“I shall be confiscating those immediately! Baked goods are not welcome in a school environment! Selling of such is especially prohibited!” _Buddha and baby Jesus this guy is loud enough to shatter a crystal ball!_ Far too cowardly to ever defy the demands of The Ultimate Moral Compass, Hagakure reluctantly handed over the goods. The students who had bought off him quickly shoved the confectioneries into either their mouths or their lunch bags.

Yasuhiro waited until Taka had left the room before sneakily trailing after him. If he tossed them in the garbage, he could easily dive in afterwards and retrieve them. That was some good kush in those brownies and Hiro sure as Bush did 9/11 wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

He froze behind a bend in the corner and watched with utter disbelief and horror as Ishimaru looked around before taking a bite out of one, making a grunt of approval as he finished it and reached for another one, devouring it as well.

Thankfully, Mondo bound up past Yasuhiro’s hiding spot to meet up with Taka, making him drop the third brownie that was headed towards his mouth. Hiro wasn’t sure if you could OD on Mary Jane but if anyone could, it would be Taka, his body completely unprepared to take in any sort of toxins and he thanked the flying spaghetti monster that Mondo had intervened before that could happen. Annoying as he was, the Clairvoyant did not want Taka’s murder on his conscious.

“Yo bro I was just gonna ask if you could save those for the Diamon - Woah did you fucking eat those?” Mondo’s face twisted with panic, confusing the guilty looking prefect.  
“It is unseemly of me, I know. So hypocritical! I shall find the nearest hole and bury myself alive for the sake of atonement!”

Mondo fumbled, his mind racing. On the one hand, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if it resulted in Taka mellowing the fuck out for a change, on the other, he was deeply concerned by what kind of reaction he’d have to them. He heard from some of his gang members that this shit could set you even more on edge and for someone as already highly strung as Taka, that was a terrifying prospect.

Mondo was in full protecc mode now, not wishing to reveal the contents of the brownies to his bro. If Taka knew he had even accidentally taken any illicit substances, he really would bury himself alive out of shame. Trying to act cool, he slid his arms around Taka’s neck and glued their hips back together. “Its cool bro, I was just surprised is all. Come on, I ain’t finished with that Bento ya made me.”

The pair strutted off together in a display of extreme male bonding, allowing Yasuhiro to swoop in and retrieve the bag of brownies mercifully left on the ground. He pulled a joint from his massive Afro and lit it up then and there. He’d need it for when the affects of the brownies hit Taka.  
~~  
They hit like a bullet train about half an hour later, during a history lesson about the great leaders of Japan. One moment, everything was fine, most students half falling asleep from the way the lecturer droned on. Then, suddenly, Taka began to hear the voices of those very same leaders mocking him. “How pathetic, the grandson of Toranosuke Ishimaru wishes to one day become the Prime Minister? Such a thing would bring utter shame and despair to our great country!”

Taka immediately started wailing in response, seeing their sneering, ugly old faces in his blitzed haze as well. Around him, the greenies’ affects started to hit the other students too, some giggling wildly in response to Taka’s outburst, which made Mondo shoot out of his seat to do a big protecc, cussing and shaking his fists at his stoned classmates.

At the back of the class, the two edgiest students, Gundham and Ryoma had broken out into a serenade. “Won’t you die tonight for love?” The goth’s voice rang out deeply, echoing off the classroom walls. Gundham was too autistic to know that what the brownies contained, thinking that the ‘potent energies’ Yasuhiro had mentioned would increase his dark magical abilities.

“Baby, join me in death~” The emo tennis player growled in response before swooning into Gundham’s arms and letting his Four Dank Devas crawl all over him while Gundham began furiously craving a heartagram into the classroom floor using the hand that wasn’t cradling the tiny boi.

“Hah, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” Kokichi Oma the Fanta Clown cried out. Ironic, considering that he was flaming enough to rival James Charles.

Sensing the opportunity to be a hero in this situation, Yasuhiro swaggered up to the stunned classroom teacher, pulling a blunt out from the depths of his palm tree hair and offering it to him with a resounding, “Quieres?”

In all this chaos, Taka had started hyperventilating and was now quivering under his desk, sharp breathes uttering that he had “dishonoured his famiry.” This did Mondo a big concern, and he quickly swooped underneath the desk as well, wanting to comfort his “bro”.

Taking Ishimaru’s trembling hands, Mondo pressed the tip of his corny ass pompadour into Taka’s clammy forehead. “Its ok bro, I got ya. Let’s go somewhere less whack, you’ll feel better then. Once you’re chilled again, we can go to a bath house and expose ourselves to each other, sound good?”

The promise of male nudity seemed to calm Taka some, who nodded his head vigorously and allowed Mondo to lead him out of the classroom to the nurse’s office where even more JoJo’s Bizarreness was waiting for them.  
~  
The nurse’s office was full of students, victims of Yasuhiro’s deadly boof brownies. Mikan was rocking herself back and forth in one of the corners of the room, overwhelmed by the sheer number of patients.

Leon lay comatose on one of the beds. He had eaten double the amount Taka had, hoping it would increase his ‘rock n roll rep’. On another, Soda was tenderly caressing a can of coke, moaning Lightning McQueen’s name. Fuyuhiko had become a literal boss baby, sucking his thumb while cradled in Pekopegoyama’s arms, muttering ‘mama’, which seemed to be causing high levels of sexual excitement in the sword not-so-maiden. Ibuki and Sayaka argued over who was the best member of BTS (Ibuki said it was Taehyung while Sayaka said it was Jungkook), with loud SKSKSKSKSKs and calling each other ‘fake ARMY’ before furiously making out with each other.

“Hey um, Mikan, I know shit is pretty whack atm but can you please just recommend that Taka go home for the day. He won’t listen to anyone but an um, professional?”

Still balling his eyes out, Taka shook his head, “I-if I go home early, the leaders of Japan will mock me further for my negligence. I wanna stay at schooool!”

“Awww fuck yeah it’s the BL Bois!” Getting blazed had brought out Genocide Jack, who was grinding herself against a pillow on which she had crudely drawn a rendition of ahegeo Byakuya. “You two gonna d-do it? Come on, show me some of that hot male bonding!”

Mondo ignored her, poking Mikan with his hair until she finally responded. “Y-y-y-yes! Y-y-you should g-g-go h-h-h-homo, I m-m-mean home, for the gay, I mean d-d-day.”

Receiving permission, Taka had no choice but to comply. He’d be breaking the rules otherwise and that was no good. “Yar Yar Days, finally.” Mondo sighed.

He began to leave the room with Taka but was blocked by the massive hulk of blubber that was The Ultimate Weeb, Hifumi. “Actually, it’s ‘Yare Yare Daze’. Besides, you’re supposed to be a Josuke reference, not a Jotaro one! Best JoJo Joshu btw, bet you don’t know who that is because you don’t read the mango, nooooormmy, reeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Mondo rolled his eyes before striking a fabulous pose and exclaiming, “CRAZY DIAMONDO!!!” which sent the otaku into a fanboy induced seizure, foaming Diet Pepsi at the mouth.  
~~  
Somehow, Mondo managed to make it back home without a high af Taka falling off his bike. Too loopy to stand, Mondo had to princess carry Ishimaru through the door into the lounge, setting him down on the couch.

Mondo plopped down beside Taka, reaching for the remote and flipping the channels on TV until he found a reality show about custom bikes. Mondo managed to watch about five minutes of it before Taka slumped against him and moaned, “Mondo I’m hungrrrrrrrrrrrry.”

_Munchies finally kicked in, huh?_ “Ok bro just hang on. How’s Maccy Ds sound?” Taka drooled in response and Mondo took that for a yes. Taka never let himself eat junk food, bruh must have been truly gone. Mondo was excited though, maybe this was his chance to convert him to the wonders that were McNuggets.

Getting back on the bike, the two whizzed down to the nearest chain of the artery clogging empire. Mondo decided that going through the drive through was the best bet, not wishing to let too many people see how completely blazed Taka was, his eyes somehow even redder than usual.

Komaeda was in front of them, driving a black vehicle adorned with stickers of Sans from Undertale. “May I have a large order of hope please?” He asked, Megalovania blasting from the car’s speakers.

A familiar voice responded, “Hope machine broke.”

Komaeda seemed disappointed, sadly uttering, “Understandable, have a good day.” Before screeching off.

Mondo pulled up, discovering the source of the voice, Kaito ‘Luminary of the Stars’ Momota. “Oh, hey Mondo, welcome to MacDonald’s. What will it be today?”

Some of Taka must have remained even in his far away state, for the moment he saw Kaito, he broke out in a lecture about missing school, to which the asstronaught responded, “Ay man at least I ain’t ditching to go eat fast food with my boyfriend. I’m working.” He couldn’t say anything to risk further mortifying Taka, but Kaito, being the dumbass he was, had gone and gotten Maki pregnant and now had to take on a part time job to prepare for the extra expenses such responsibilities demanded.

“Whatever dude, just get me and my bro two large orders of McNuggets and two dummy thicc strawberry milkshakes.” Mondo sighed with exasperation, as Taka had now started chewing on the leather of his biker jacket.

“Strawberry? That’s kinda gay bro, but whatever. It’ll be here in a jiffy!”

Mondo bore with Taka voring his precious jacket until the food arrived. He waited until they got home so he could feed the nuggets to Taka without the judgemental stares of those who didn’t understand their manly bond.

Munchies satiated, Taka eventually fell asleep, drooling on Mondo’s shoulder. _Aside from the initial freak out and general weirdness, today wasn’t so bad after all._ Mondo thought, snuggling into Taka and thinking back on how cool it was to skip school and get junk food together, something non-blazed Taka would never agree to.

_Maybe I should talk to Yasuhiro about getting more of those brownies._


End file.
